What Really Happened on Trump’s Call to Taiwan

  • Dr. James S. C. Chao (in Taiwan): ni hao, Elaine, my fragrant lotus flower…my shipping empire here in Taiwan could use a little favor…mmm…yes…hmhm…okay…xai jan.
  • Elaine Chao: oh Mitchee my sweet little turtle, I was wondering if you could whisper something to a certain person as a favor for me? I’ll give you the best oriental whole body massage if you could…bzzbuzz…soongxxap…tsktsk…ohoh, hoho.
  • Mitch McConnell: Hey there O Orange One, you know how I brought you Florida, Pennsylvania, Michigan and a few others? I need you to do me a little favor. Here’s what I propose: …snksuf…lufluflah…jaakojaako…pøyriepœçå…pendargbist…binladenmaozedong…wah-ai-ni
  • Donald Trump: Premier Tsai…oh, excuse me, President Tsai, did you call me or did I call you? Oh well, it doesn’t matter as I think that you are an amazing leader of one of our strongest allies in the Taiwan Straits area as we have mutual interests, amazing mutual interests, and we can do so much together as we work toward making China great again as we do some amazing deals in your area. I’m told that there are tremendous oil reserves just west toward Xiamen. Just tremendous. Together we can do this. But before we get into that, there’s one small, really small but really important favor that I’m sure you can handle with the utmost discretion. That would be fantastic, just absolutely fantastic. This will be the first of many mutually beneficial conversations. Heil.
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